Ever try to cut your own hair?

When I was a kid, my little sister decided that she wanted to cut her hair.  Since we were always partners in crime, I helped.  For some reason, we imagined that our Mother would never notice if we hid the hair in her closet, which is where we set up the barber shop.  Needless to say, Mom definitely noticed and she cried!  My sister’s hair grows incredibly slow and it was just long enough to put in pigtails and I cut them off!!!  The only way to fix it was for my Mom to give her a pixy do.  So, she had what she termed a “boy hair cut” for quite some time.  The whole point of this seemingly random thread (when compared to the title of my post) is that since I have no close friends yet in my new location, I decided that I would cut my own hair.  You would think that I had learned my lesson as a kid…  But…I guess my frugality keeps influencing me.  If I’m home often enough, I can get my Mom to cut it for me, but now that a weekend trip is not really an option, it’s either cut my own or pay someone else to do it.  I have contemplated the idea before and have even done most of a self-trim a couple of times.  If you’re a guy and buy the clippers with the plastic guides, it is pretty straight-forward to remove some length from your do.  However until last night, I had forgotten why I had never actually completed a haircut without someone else’s help.  The other two times when I did partials I had someone to do the trimming around my ears and in the back.  I told myself that this couldn’t be too hard because it is just a little trimming.  It is the smallest portion of the haircut, but is likely the most important.  We can’t be running around with one sideburn longer than the other…  That would be an utter disaster–especially if in JH or High school.  Then again, most people in JH and HS these days have longer hair than I have ever had, but…  Ok, back on track!  The point is that by the time I got to this stage of the haircut (definitely way past the point of no return), I was dripping with perspiration because it was about 80 degrees in the house and the humidity was up pretty good.  So I had hair stuck all over my face and on my neck and shoulders.  It was getting in my mouth and up my nose and in my ears!  So I wasn’t in the most patient of moods which is not good when you are attempting to cut your own hair!  It is difficult enough to work hair clippers when viewing them through one mirror.  Throw two into the equation and a barely-coordinated novice like me hasn’t a chance at wielding them without making a mistake.  I managed to trim around my ears without too much trouble and I even got my sideburns even (I think).  However, it is very difficult to hold a mirror up behind your head with one hand and wield the clippers in the other hand while looking at the image of the back of your head in the mirror in front of your face!    I kept getting the wrong angle or moving the clippers in the wrong direction.  I finally got so frustrated that I just blindly took them to the back of my head!  I’m not sure that i did any worse than a beauty school drop-out, but let’s just say that the line across the bottom of my hair across my neck would not be the shortest distance between two points…  I decided to quit while I was ahead or at least figured that I wasn’t going to impove things with continued use of the clippers in my current state of frustration and heat exhaustion.  (Melodramatic, I know, but it’s my stroy I’ll tell it how i want to!)  It doesn’t look too bad, but I think that I either need to accept fate and realize that I was not cut out for cutting my own hair no matter how much it costs to go to a shop OR I need to practice a lot and develop the dexterity to hold a mirror in one hand, the clippers in another and the presence of mind to not be confused by so many reflections!  A third option I suppose is to find someone to trim around my ears and across the back of my neck, but I don’t think that either of my cats (or the both of them in cahoots) would be up to the challenge.  The good thing is that I can go about two months between haircuts these days.  The downside of that is that it is because my hair has stopped growing on top and is starting to fall out.  I suppose before too long I could just bic it, but I’m not ready to fully embrace my bald self yet!  A fourth option exists, but is hardly qualifies as one.  I could just let my hair grow until I (hopefully) go home at Christmas time.  The reason that this is hardly an option is because, with the increased himidity here, my hair is completely out of control when it is not very long.  I can only imagine how scary it would be if it got some good length to it!  The other thing is that I cannot stand for my hair to be long enough to tickle my ears, so I doubt that I could successfully sport the 70s look.  At any rate, like my Mom always said, “the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is about 2 weeks.”  Thanks, Mom.  That helps a little.  Whether my haircut looks ridiculous or not is really a sidenote.  The most important thing is that it is shorter and, thus, less frizzy and much cooler than it was before!

Boredom-Induced Humiliation

As you could probably all recollect for at least a few more days or at the very least ascertain by looking at a calendar, it is Friday.  However, I’m going to state that for the record–and so you don’t have to look at a calendar before finishing the rest of my post should you read it at some later date.  When I got home from work tonight, my Friday night plans were rather scarce.  In fact, they didn’t exist.  I toyed with the idea of cooking and eating the pizza that is in my freezer, but in view of the fact that I ate nearly my body weight in chips and salsa as an after-work snack, I decided that it was not in my best interest to eat pizza tonight.  So I ate a quesadilla instead, which kind of hit the spot.  I was imagining what there might be to do in this small town on an average Friday evening.  They do have a movie theatre and as I drove past the other day I thought I saw that the current attraction was Mama Mia.  I drove on past without thinking much about it.  I had really wanted to go see Wall-E when it was in town last weekend, but managed to be pathetic and work or clean or something else and never actually made it there.  Prospects weren’t looking good and I actually hoped that the poster for Mama Mia was for next weekend and to be surprised by what was playing tonight.  But, it was true; the screen was reserved for Mama Mia.  So, I thought I’d at least follow the link to the page showing the trailer.  Well, I do like musicals and it looked kind of funny and I love Meryl Streep so I thought:  “What else have you got to do?  You have no friends other than your cats.  (A well-timed “oh…” would be appropriately placed here…) You haven’t joined netflix yet and you’ve watched all 10 of the movies you own within the last three weeks.  You have no library books to read; you cleaned the house last night; and it’s still too hot to go for a long bike ride; and your brain is too fried to accomplish anything at work.  So…  What the heck?”  I almost talked myself out of it because it is such a chick flick and I definitely did not have a date–nor could I take my Mom, sister or friend that is a girl.  Have to phrase that carefully–wouldn’t want anyone to have a stroke thinking that I actually had a girlfriend…  You see men can deny liking chick flicks, but still go if they have a woman to take along.  This way they don’t have to admit that they like the show, they just say that they went because of the woman.  It’s a pride thing. 

So I was playing the piano and deciding what to do and thought that I’d brave it.  When I rode up to the theatre on my bike some Jr. High girls were outside and I almost rode on past without stopping, but the prospect of sitting at home with my cats all night was good motivation.  My cats are very good company, but not very socially engaging and I was feeling pretty cagey.  Well, I went in the theatre and looked around for other males.  There were a couple of guys in there.  One with his daughters, one with his girlfriend and another with his sweetheart of many years.  I think that was it–3 other males and they had their chick flick scapegoats with them.  This was not helping me feel more secure.  But, I bought a ticket for myself.  Tickets are half as much here as they were in Bozeman so I almost bought 2 just so it didn’t look like a man was attending Mama Mia by himself voluntarily.  But, money is tight and I am trying to be frugal.  The cashier was put out by my paying for my $4 movie ticket with a $20 and at first I thought it was because she was running out of change.  (In my defense, I didn’t know how much movies here cost, but they were $8.25 in Bozeman and I hate carrying a wallet around in my back pocket so I stuffed a $20 in my pants pocket and took off).  Upon further reflection, I couldn’t tell whether she was more perplexed by counting the change or by the potential lack of it.  The drawer seemed well-stocked to me…  Anyway, I sit down and anxiously await the dimming of the lights–the sooner, the better.  I figure that from what I have heard the few places I’ve gone, everyone in town has seen my picture in the local paper and they all know who I am and what I’m doing in town, while I have no idea who any of them are.  Down go the lights and on come the previews.  I can finally relax and, hopefully, enjoy the show.  The music was fantastic although I had a hard time taking Pierce Brosnan seriously when he was singing.  There was a strong element of humor and I ended up laughing a lot.  I could have done without the one guy “finding his true self” at the end, but it was a happily ever after and, what can I say, I don’t watch movies to see how real and cruel life is.  I get enough of that every day when I watch the news or watch the world go by.  I watch movies to check out of reality and am completely ok with a fairy tale ending.  Don’t get me wrong.  A movie does not have to end happily for me to like it, but a majority of the movies I like end happily ever after.  My friend always says that I’m such a little girl.  Whatever… 

Anyway at the end of the movie, the lights come up before the credits have barely begun to roll.  I start squirming, but Donna and the Dynamos are singing at the end and then all the cast comes on for one last number.  So, I stay and rock out to “Dancing Queen” and whatever the other song was.  I get up to leave and when I turn around, there are like 20 old ladies in the rows behind me in the threatre.  I completely avoid eye contact and walk straight for the exit.  But, a woman is standing by the door.  She just smiles one of those smiles that says:  “You’re a pedophile aren’t you?  But, I’m a Christian woman and am going to smile and say hi to you anyway.  I’ll just tell my kids tonight to look out for you and warn the other ladies when we go walking in the morning so that they can tell their kids.  The school board meeting is tomorrow night, I’ll be sure to attend this week.”  Perhaps that’s not what she was thinking at all; I have no idea, but I ALMOST DIED!  I’m a little weird of course, but I’m no freak show.  I hurried out of the lobby, got on my bike and hit the road for home.  What a humiliating evening!  I still liked the movie, but was completely and totally embarrassed that I was jamming out to “Dancing Queen” with a bunch of old ladies.  But, I was desperately bored and am sure I’ll be able to laugh about the experience later.  Welcome to the life of a stranger in the first few weeks of life in a small town in the middle-of-nowhere Nebraska.

Moving from a Cat’s Perspective

My recent experience in moving my cats and me nearly 900 miles from Montana to Nebraska for my new job has given me an idea for a (perhaps) rather unorthodox post: moving from a house cat’s perspective.

During the first week of my new job where I was working on curriculum preparation from home and preparing to move my cats were probably wondering why I was home during the day.

Toby may have thought something like this:  “So he hasn’t gone to work for about a week which is kind of weird.  But, it is nice to have him around to pet me instead of being gone all day.  Besides, I like sitting in his lap, leaning on his arm while he types away at his computer.”

Jasper cat may have entertained this thought while chirping near my feet: “You are usually gone at this time of day.  What are you doing home?  Are you sick?  I’m going to jump up into your lap and check it out for myself.  I may even stay a while (which I never do) because it seems that you are a little stressed.  Perhaps if I purr in your lap for a while it will help you relax.”  It did.

By the next Tuesday, their thought processes had likely changed as I packed up the entertainment center and all of its components.

Jasper’s thoughts were most likely: “Hey!  What the heck did you do?  Under the entertainment center was my favorite place to nap and now it’s gone!  Why is my stuff all lined up over in the corner?  What is going on here?!?!” as he paced nervously up and down the hall checking out everything in the house to make sure it was not disturbed.

Toby was more chill.  He was probably thinking: “I think I’ll go outside and take a nice nap in a shady spot somewhere.  It’s too noisy in here for me and he keeps pacing around and moving boxes from here to there and back and forth.  I was out all night catting around and can’t even get a decent cat nap in…”  Pardon the puns.  I couldn’t resist!

On Wednesday morning when the movers showed up, it was a completely different story.

Toby was thinking: “Hey who are these guys?  I’ve never seen them before.  And they reek like cigarette smoke!  Oh, well, I can rub their legs and see if I can get some attention.  Besides, there are a lot of boxes to inspect.  Alright, well, that was fun.  I think I’ll exit and take a nice siesta” while Jasper cat was melting down pacing up and down the hallway, thinking:  “Who the heck are these guys and what are they doing in my house?!?  Wait!  Those are my things!  Why are you putting them in boxes?  Get out of my house!  Wait.  Let me see if I can trip this guy.  Ouch!  It worked for a second, but mostly I got booted across the floor.  Oh, good, they’re finally gone.  These boxes are kind of cool.  I think I’ll jump on top of some of them and see what’s shakin’.  I’m so glad that they left my favorite sofa.  It’s way past time for my nap.”

Then Thursday when the truck driver arrived to load things Jasper probably thought:  “More strange men!  What the heck?  Hey, put that loveseat down!  Don’t you dare take my scratching post!  Put that bed back down.  Where am I supposed to sleep when I return from my nightly stroll?  Guys?  Hey, why are you letting these strangers take all of my stuff? Hey…  Come on, please.”

Toby was outside somewhere.  I was worried that he might be checking out the semi truck.  The guys that came yesterday to pack my boxes told me a couple horror stories about cats getting packed up in moving trucks.  He probably wondered what was up with all the racket and why we were making so much noise and making so many trips in and out of the house, thinking “How am I supposed to catch a bird when you keep scaring them away? Hello!?!  Fine.  Ignore me.  Forget it.  I’ll be taking a nap if you need me.”

That night they were both thinking:  “This twin-size air mattress stinks!  Every time he moves, he knocks me off the bed.  How am I supposed to get any sleep at all? Eventually Jasper says, “I give up!  I’ll sleep on the clothes bag in the corner.”

On Saturday morning, Jasper was nowhere to be found.  He probably thought that since all of his things were gone and his whole world had been turned upside down that he’d rather not be home in case something worse was going to happen.  Toby got suspicious when I closed all of the windows tight enough that he couldn’t get out and locked the cat door.  He kept rubbing around my legs saying: “What’s going on?  Why are you locking me up?  I wanna go outside.  Please.  Pretty please.  Hey!  Why are you putting boxes in the car?  Are we going to Grandma’s house again?  Last time we went to Grandma’s house, you didn’t pack this much crap…  Besides all those little kids really freaked me out!  Come on, please let me outside.  Please…  Maybe if I’m sneaky I can get out the door while he is trying to get through with those boxes.  Rats!  Foiled again!  Fine, I give up.  I’ll be on the couch.”

When Jasper cat finally came home he jumped up on the couch to see why Toby was so blue.  “Hey? Tobes?  What’s going on?  You’re usually outside somewhere right about now.  Everything ok?”

“No, that jerk locked us in the house!  I think he’s dragging us off to Grandma’s house again.  Last time all of those little kids were so annoying.  They kept chasing me around and made so much noise.  Alright!  What the heck is up with this harness thing?!?  Get it off of me!  It’s so heavy and weird-feeling.  I can’t stand the weight…  Ah, that’s better” he said as he flopped down on his side on the carpet.

Jasper cat was completely freaked out.  “What the heck is this thing?  Get it off of me now!  Well, if you won’t, I will.  I’ll kangaroo kick it off or bite it off or something…  Oh, thank you.  That thing was freaky.  You’re not getting anywhere near me for quite a while now” he said as he raced down the hallway.  Toby waited patiently, but was also relieved when I took his harness off.  I just wanted to adjust them so that I didn’t have to do that while trying to prevent them from escaping at the hotel.  Besides, they are always in a hurry to get out of their carrier and it is hard enough just to deal with that!

Then I loaded the cats into their carrier which they never really appreciate.  When I headed east into town, they were probably wondering:  “Where the heck is he going?  I thought Grandma’s house was the other way.  Wait a minute…   Grandma’s house is the other way.  Where are we going?”

After a while, they were resigned to the fact that they were stuck in the car for a while and fell asleep.  But, when we arrived in Casper, WY Toby let me know that he was sick and tired of being in the car.  “Meow.”  “Meow,” which could be translated as “Help, Help!  Get me out of this thing.  I’m so tired of being cooped up!  Where the heck are we anyway?  This is DEFINITELY NOT Grandma’s house.  Where have you taken us?”

After checking into the hotel, I returned to the car to fetch the cats.  Oh my gosh!  Good thing I had the car door shut.  They were out of the carrier like lighting.  I put their harnesses on them—believe me, they were THRILLED!  Jasper was moaning and digging his claws into my shoulder.  Toby was only slightly mellower.  A nice woman in the lobby petted Jasper cat and said nice things to him, but he’s kind of a particular cat and I don’t think that she helped calm him down any.   He was probably thinking, “Who does this freaky lady think she is?  And why is she petting me and talking to me like I’m some kind of baby?”  Toby was like “whatever dude…”  But, she tried and that was all that mattered.

Meanwhile back in the hotel room, the cats got locked in the bathroom so that they wouldn’t escape while I was hauling in all of the stuff.  I thought that this was the best place for them in case they had an accident while I was still hauling in the litter box.  They have never messed on the floor at home or at Grandma’s house, but their entire world had been turned upside down and I wasn’t completely sure that they wouldn’t show their disappointment with what I would call inappropriate behavior!

Being the curious cat that he is Toby searched every corner of the room and checked everything out including my Taco John’s take-out.  He did as he usually does—gave it a good sniff and moved on.  Jasper cat on the other hand was completely freaked out and hid under the bed for most of the evening.  It seemed that they had gone on a voluntary hunger and thirst strike to show me that they were not at all happy about the current direction our lives were taking; but, eventually, both at least drank some water.  I’m not gonna lie…  Jasper’s a toilet drinker.  I had no idea and don’t know when it got started, but I discovered it when I was home at the 4^th of July.  I kept shutting them downstairs so that they could escape from my nieces and nephews, but every time I opened the door Jasper cat would sneak out and head straight for the commode to get a drink!  Kind of gross, but he is a cat and the water was clear so I guess…  ANYWAY big tangent!

They were even more excited the next morning when they got locked in the bathroom again while I was loading the car.  However, I think they assumed that it was like all of our previous trips and that we were heading back home.  About two hours into the trip, Toby started to voice his objections by meowing repeatedly.  It wasn’t loud, but was still very annoying!  I’m sure he was thinking:  “What?  We’re going further from home?  Where are you taking us?  Why do I have to stay in this ridiculous cage?  Let me out.  Let me out!  Let me out!!!   No?  Ok, I give up… Sigh…”  Jasper completely hates traveling and endures by lying down and practicing controlled breathing the entire time, thinking something like: “You can do this.  Just breathe and it will be over soon.  Look Toby’s right here with me it’ll be ok.  Besides, I like Grandma and her house is pretty cool, too.  Maybe we’ll end up there or back home eventually.”

Toby woke up every couple of hours and protested until he tired of it and returned to sleeping.  When I stopped in North Platte to re-fuel and grab some lunch, Toby had had all he could take.  It was only 40 more miles to our new house, so I thought after I gassed up I’d let them out of the cage in hopes Tobes would stop yowling.  I’d let him out of the cage once before and, after exploring the car, he went to sleep on my lap.  Jasper is too petrified to exit the cage—or too stupefied by the anxiety to find the door—I don’t know which.  At any rate, we made it about a mile before pulling over and returning Toby to his place in the cage.  He was wandering rapidly around the car and yowling very loudly.  I had hoped the yowling would subside if I set him free, but now he was yowling AND he was pacing around the car.  And Jasper was looking more freaked out by the minute in the absence of his traveling companion and best bud.  I was afraid he might mess himself…  So, since letting Toby out of the cage had just complicated matters while not reducing his yowling, he got stuffed back into the carrier and eventually gave up and went back to sleep.

It was hotter than Hades when we arrived in Curtis and all three of us were thinking: “What the heck did this guy get us into?”  Toby and Jasper set about exploring the house and wanted absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever!  I guess I shouldn’t blame them, but I was incredibly unsure about things and could’ve used a friend at the time and the only two I had—a black cat and a black and white cat—were mad at me!  So, I cranked the window AC and laid down in front of it and told myself that it would all look better in the morning…  It didn’t help much, but I was here and was dealing with it.  The cats were probably thinking that this whole nightmare would be over soon and that they would return to their beloved home in King Arthur Court by the little stream.  But, when all of the boxes and their things arrived the next day, I think they figured out that we weren’t going back any time soon.  They didn’t sleep on the bed with me like as was customary for several nights, but have since seemed to forgive me. 

Anyway, that is moving from a cat’s perspective.  Hope you enjoyed it more than I did while living the story…